We believe though we do not yet have the evidence that Mr Briggs recently bought a car

We believe, though we do not yet have the evidence, that Mr Briggs recently bought a car for pounds 13.99.Judge: If I may interpose here, might I inquire what a bar code is?Counsel: Jumping Jehosaphat! Well, m'lud, a bar code is an arrangement of black lines and spaces ...Judge: It's all right, Mr Robertson, I know perfectly well what a bar code is I was just winding you up.Counsel: Thank you, m'lud. Mr Briggs is a designer of bar codes by trade, and has devised a scheme whereby he can substitute low-price bar codes for high-price ones. It is the wish of Sainsbury's to keep its name out of the trial, to avoid being held up to ridicule.Judge: So Sainsbury's is the store in question, is it?Counsel: No comment.Judge: Fair enough. Carry on.Counsel: So, John Lilias Briggs, on 14 July 1995 you approached the check-out at Hateways bearing a bottle of vodka?Briggs: I did.Counsel: The cashier passed the bottle over the bar-code reader?Briggs: She did.Counsel: She then said, "70p, please, love", or words to that effect, did she not?Briggs: Yes.Counsel: What happened next?Briggs: She then said: "Hold on! A bottle of vodka's got to be more than 70p!" So she called for the supervisor.Counsel: We shall hear from the supervisor in due course, who will testify that Mr Briggs had affixed a bar code of his own manufacture to the bottle of vodka, designed to read out a low price at the check-out. It is a fictitious name, compounded of elements of Gateway, Safeway and so on, to give the impression of a well-known store without actually naming it.Judge: Why do you not wish to name it?Counsel: It is not my wish, m'lud. Here is an extract: Counsel: Could the defendant tell the court his name? Briggs: Yes, I could.Counsel: Then pray do so.Briggs: My name is John Lilias Briggs.Counsel: And, on the 14th of July last, did you enter the shop known as Hateways and proceed to the check-out bearing a large bottle of vodka?Judge: Just a moment.Counsel: Yes, m'lord?Judge: Is there really a shop called Hateways?Counsel: No, m'lud.

If Lady Diana Spencer had known the record of this family, if she had had a history O-level, she might have learnt that the Princess of Wales is a title written in tears.. There is a trial taking place at the moment that is believed to be the first of its kind anywhere in the world, in which the defendant is accused of forging bar codes. When the citizens of London mobbed her funeral procession, the Life Guards fired on the crowd.The people would have crowned Caroline if they could There is no kingdom in people's hearts. The vote in the House was prorogued.Loving messages of sympathy and support flooded in from her loyal public, but when Caroline tried to enter the abbey for the coronation she was simply barred The firm had closed ranks Ten days later, Caroline was dead. An Act of Parliament "to deprive her majesty, Caroline Amelia Elizabeth, of the Titles, Prerogatives, Rights, Privileges, and Exemptions of Queen Consort of The Realm, and to dissolve the marriage between his Majesty and the said Caroline Amelia Elizabeth", was brought in the House of Lords. Though the House was furiously divided, though her husband had treated her abominably, though his infidelities had greatly eclipsed her modest attachments, the divorce clause was carried in committee. Debarred from court, she returned to Europe, where she allowed herself a James Hewitt or two.She was offered a reasonably generous allowance, provided she would never expect or make any attempt to be crowned Queen of England.

This she refused.When George III died, she returned to England, and was welcomed with ovations from the populace But it made no odds being Queen in people's hearts. A commission of inquiry was ordered and she was seen to be innocent, but when her husband became Regent she was ignored. She would not be allowed even to bring up her child.After a formal separation she lived in seclusion, but somehow the word got about that she thought herself pregnant. He had to be bribed to marry, and when he did eventually marry he treated his good-hearted German frau, Caroline Amelia Elisabeth of Wolfenbuttel, with contempt and derision.Her husband's mistress made the Princess's life a misery; instead of producing the heir plus a spare, which is the Princess of Wales's real job, not opening things and holding hands and reigning in hearts and all the guff, she produced a daughter, whereupon the Prince of Wales abandoned her. When George IV was Prince of Wales he went through a morganatic marriage with Mrs Fitzherbert and lived with her openly. The ructions this caused make this Parker-Bowles business look like a storm in rather less than a tea cup.Then he proceeded to drive his father out of his mind, which proved easier then expected. Do we really want to know any more about this family?Though George III may have married one or two people of obscure birth when he was Prince of Wales, there was no Princess of Wales.