Warns us not to hoard unused compost from last year - it goes nasty and stinks

Warns us not to hoard unused compost from last year - it goes nasty and stinks of ammonia Kills baby plants Faces slump off in disappointment. Make note to destroy sacks of unopened potting compost filling my airing cupboard. This is getting expensive.To nourish greens, demand-feed hungry seedlings as early as week four. Sleepless nights working out the best ratio of nitrogen to phosphates to potash Percentages and dilutions Seed trays crying out for magnesium and trace elements. "You can't just pick up any bottle off the shelf at the garden centre," warns the lecturer Oh God Some formulas are for foliage, others for flowers and fruit. He advises a low nutrient multi- purpose liquid used little and often in summer.

Blood, fish and bone is less a revolutionary slogan than a cheap option for organic souls. Slow- release granules are for lazy types like me.Someone in the audience brings up pests and diseases (there's always one in every classroom). "Grow anything under glass and you're asking for trouble, aren't you?" accuses the tutor Guilty looks and downcast eyes But pests are devious and ruthless They sneak into the coldest greenhouse to overwinter. Red spider mite lurks in bundles of canes, snug as a bug in bags of vermiculite.

"I may be preaching," preaches the tutor, "but the only answer is to scrub everything down with Jeyes Fluid every year." Blood drains from faces of audience. Tutor on a roll now, advocating scraping algae from glazing bars with credit card or old toothbrush. "One per cent loss of light equals 10 per cent loss of growth," he cries I must examine everything for fungal blight Never take plants from strangers. Tell the next-door neighbour to stick his free cuttings.Now it's demo time and the lecturer is doing nifty things with seed trays - twirling dibber and firming board, tweaking cotyledons. We learn: how to prick out, how to pot up, how to pot on and (finally) how to pot off. I scribble down: never pick up a seedling by the stem, never shake off soil, always use a module tray and drape gently with horticultural fleece.Wildly rustling foliage announces a staking and tying section The tutor wrestles with a 5ft weeping fig Finally subdues it into a new terracotta urn. Dire warnings about polypropylene string as a horticultural murder weapon How to whittle a pointed stick Then stake-driving for beginners (crucifix optional) Only use aerosol leaf shine if the Queen is coming to tea.

Any questions?Members of audience fire off queries: is my datura potbound? Can I trust my water butt? Is foliar feeding a good idea? (No, it isn't) As rain continues to drum on the roof camaraderie emerges We start to chat each other up. Lady next to me reveals she is professional gardener (eight gardens in London), used to be on the stage (understudy for Look Back In Anger) and work for the BBC. Are we mad to turn out in February for this sort of thing? "It's such a piss awful day," she says, "what else could you do with it?" She gives the lecturer high marks for stage presence, authentic rural accent and endearing apologies to manhandled plants. Her companion is an amateur gardener who opens her garden under the Yellow Book scheme, opens ftes and runs committees. She lives locally, pops into Wisley "to see what's out" and pick up hot tips. "I never thought about bark chippings as pot drainage." Me neither.Young man in Barbour turns out to be the estate gardener for a country house: "You never stop learning, do you?" He has eight acres, two 150ft greenhouses and packets of seeds from RHS gift shop Boss sends him here for "in-service training" He vows to stop recycling potting compost.

Shows us his salvia seeds.I dash through the rain again, trying to avoid waterlogged grass Keep off the grass Get lost in rose garden Get lost in gift shop Get lost in car park Get wet everywhere Feel a true gardener, virtuous and dedicated Out in all weathers, sitting at the feet of experts. My notebook is full of handy hints and rude comments about people's clothes I'm hardier and wiser Bolder and wetter Much wetter. Really very wet indeed.! For details about RHS lectures at Wisley, phone: 0483 224234.. UNLIKE bedding plants, shrubs cannot be discarded after a season and their ultimate size makes choosing whether or not to grow them an important decision. So the turnover of new varieties is slower and less well publicised than it is with smaller plants.