Football chants are a particular type of poetry and it takes a particular type of genius to get one going

"Football chants are a particular type of poetry and it takes a particular type of genius to get one going Keep the words simple. It has to be funny or ironic or it won't click and people won't sing it. It takes years and years of training to start a chant, so begin by sitting in the background and just paying attention. When someone pipes up with a good song, people will always join in, so don't worry too much about it dying a death - if you do shout out and it doesn't get picked up, then only a few people around you will have heard your failed attempt anyway. The best tunes to use are the old ones that everyone knows There's a good one to that old Italian song, `Amore'. Arsenal fans sing, `When the ball hits the net like a big jumbo jet that's Viera.' Chelsea fans use the same song but change the last word to the name of their player, Vialli - it's usually like that, the same few songs but with different lyrics from each set of fans. A great chant was when Arsenal were three-nil up against Manchester United and all the Arsenal fans started singing `Boring, boring Arsenal' which is what people used to chant at Arsenal I enjoyed the irony in that I always chant at matches - you've got to get in amongst it.

But I admit, it can be a bit hard to steam in, especially if people know you and go, `Oh look, there's the bloke from that film making a tit of himself'." Nick Moran, from `Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels', will be playing in the `Music Industry Soccer Six' competition, along with Joseph Fiennes, Robbie Williams, Damon Albarn and more, at Chelsea FC on 29 May (call 0171-420 0958 for tickets).. PENSIONERS SEEKING the safest product for their hard-earned cash are being targeted by National Savings, the Government agency which launched a new two-year fixed rate bond this week. The Pensioners Bond, announced by the Chancellor, Gordon Brown, in his Budget speech in March, will pay a monthly fixed income of 5 per cent gross. The bond is designed to run alongside National Savings' existing five- year bond. This currently pays 4.85 per cent gross when held over the full period.

Both bonds are available to anyone aged over 60. The new two-year product is part of a bid by National Savings to reinforce its position as the leading provider of low-risk savings products to pensioners and other income-seekers. It follows reluctance on the part of some savers to commit themselves to a full five-year term, previously the only option available to pensioners.Peter Bureau, chief executive at National Savings, says: "Together, National Savings Bonds and Income Bonds attract over 90 per cent of all money invested in low-risk monthly income products. We are now offering greater choice for those aged 60 or over. Our research tells us that many of them liked the certainty of the guaranteed regular monthly option provided by the existing five-year income bond. But others wanted more flexibility and would prefer not to commit their savings period."Now they can choose.

Whichever term they opt for, they can be sure that their money is totally safe, with a fixed rate of interest that is guaranteed not to go down."The new two-year bond will be available from 2 June. Like the existing five-year bond, income from the bond is taxable, although the income will be paid in full without deduction of tax at source. Minimum investment is pounds 500, maximum pounds 50,000 - or pounds 100,000 for couples. Although brochures with full details on the bond are available from post offices, it cannot be bought over the counter.

Instead, customers must call a special number to invest.Bonds can be cashed in by giving 60 days' notice (during which no interest will be earned on the amount being withdrawn. Or a bond can be cashed in without notice - but with a 90-day interest penalty Monthly income is paid automatically. Unlike with a bank or building society there are no Inland Revenue registration forms to fill in for non-taxpayers. However, other taxpayers will need to declare the income on their tax return forms each year.National Savings argues that the rates paid on its bond rank way above those available from its major high street rivals. For example, on a lump- sum investment of pounds 10,000 placed into a two-year Choices Bond from Abbey National, the gross rate payable is 4.12 per cent.